Crime scene or cultural hub? Museums on trial.

Please Do Not Touch written by Casey Bailey, directed by Gail Babb on at the B2 Stage, the Belgrade Theatre until Saturday 21 September 2024.

Review by Annette Kinsella

Why are museums like Marmite? You either love them or hate them. I personally like nothing more than a rainy afternoon traipsing round exhibits and scoffing an overpriced teacake in the café. But in my family, I am an outlier, with everyone else greeting the prospect of a museum trip with hollow groans and eyes rolling like (Elgin) marbles. But as ever, I digress.

Museums and Marmite are also both rich in cultural history. Did you know that Marmite was issued to soldiers in the First World War, a tradition which continued to 1999 when Marmite parcels were sent to homesick peacekeeping troops in Kosovo. (The entry didn’t mention whether the parcels provoked more conflict when the troops began a ‘love it or hate it’ debate!) Thank you, Google, for that snippet. And of course, museums and Marmite are both steeped in memories, triggering the handing down of stories for future generations.

But I bet even the most committed museum aficionados among us don’t always stop to consider the journeys that artefacts take before they arrive under glass or behind rope for the gawping pleasure of thousands. Until now, thanks to the one-person show Please Do Not Touch currently at the Belgrade Theatre. Written by former Birmingham Poet Laureate Casey Bailey, we follow YouTuber Mason (Tijan Sarr) as he films museum visits for his YouTube channel, exploring the true provenance of the objects on display.

Eventually falling foul of the law after handling an ancient Somali afro comb, his journey takes us into the heart of a juvenile detention centre and his struggles to provide a new perspective on the thorny issues of ownership, cultural heritage and theft. Central to the plot is his belief that history is told by the victors, and the museums he visits are essentially scenes of crime, glorifying state-sanctioned piracy and pillage.  It’s an unpopular rationale which leads to incarceration and his ultimate epiphany that railing against the system is not as effective as amplifying his message through education.

It's intellectually chewy stuff (which incidentally is a gorgeous phrase which I have been dying to use since I read it in a book earlier this year*), but Bailey’s fast-paced, punchy narrative prevents it from straying into moralising or piety. The stark set, made up of a prison bunk bed, desk, and metal bookcase, swings and slides across the stage, adding to the dynamic storytelling.

I began this review by asking why museums were like Marmite. As this thought-provoking play proves, not only are they both divisive and rich in history, but they also spark passionate and infinite public debate. And, more prosaically, they both can emit a questionable odour, particularly on toddler stay and play Wednesdays. That’s my experience anyway.

*This play has made me think more deeply about cultural theft, so I am going to fully credit the writer of this fantastic phrase. It is by Sam Leith in his excellent new book examining children’s literature, The Haunted Wood, in the chapter on Phillip Pullman. I only hope this doesn’t elicit a letter from his lawyers.

Please Do Not Touch at the B2 Stage Belgrade Theatre is on until Saturday 21 September. For tickets: https://www.belgrade.co.uk/events/please-do-not-touch/